Invisible Struggles
I was thinking about what should I write about. I started a lot of diverse series, and I should write on one of those topics. But, of course, I am not going to do that. Why should I? Why should I focus on one topic (or a dozen in my case)? I wish I could, but I simply seem unable to do so. Which is extremely frustrating, and thus came the subject of this article.
Life is unfair, and at times extremely shitty. I try to focus on the positive aspects, few, or how many they might be, yet not always succeeding in my endeavour. Another thing I try to do is to not compare my struggles with other people’s, not succeeding at this either. Seeing people with less struggles and access to more opportunities makes me jealous and sad (not ok). Then I look at other people that have it worse than myself and I feel disgusted with myself that I was upset about my situation in the first place (not ok). I searched and looked for a middle ground for a while now, and it’s still an open case.
There are times when I think that maybe, just maybe, if I can focus on just one thing, and I mean really focus, than can make a change in my life. Be an expert in one field. Just know something really, really well. Because I never could do that. I always wanted to find out and discover about different things. I never could focus. My mind is all over the place. There are a million things going at the same time, and, in time, it just became so, so tiring. I used to put notes in my vision field with the word “STOP” to remind myself to stop flying away from reality. Sometimes it helped.
I got my diagnosis late in life, meaning just last year. Even though that did not cure me, or helped me be laser focus now, it did helped me a lot rationally. After hearing it, it just made sense. How did I not know? How did people around me not know? Although, growing up in a sort of messed up situation, I knew there was something, but I wasn’t capable of exploring; and neither ready to, for a very long time.
I’m still trying to make sense of life, of everything around me. Sometimes I feel like I understand nothing. I mean, what is going on? What’s going on with me, with you, with us, with the world? I have no idea. And something tells me there is no definitive answer. All I wish is just peace and quiet for a couple of days (and lots of money, fingers crossed). I’m just tired. I feel strained. And I know I’m not alone in this battle. Especially with all the financial problems on top. What we have to do is to keep on going. Tired or not, I try to do so. Sometimes, I feel unable to do anything at all. Other times, I try to remember that there still are beautiful things and people, and interesting ideas ready to be discovered by my fatigued mind. And maybe, that’s what life is. An odd, heavy, sometimes shitty, sometimes beautiful, other times depressing or joyful experience that is for us to discover. I’m just tired of all the shitty parts, let’s hope for the good ones to come in full.
Long story short, there is no conclusion. I have no answers. Only questions. And I’m tired. Yet, in a weird way, I do feel curious about what’s next. And maybe, just maybe, I will understand a little something along the way.
PS: Take care of yourselves! Don't compare to others, cliché as it sounds. And don’t be afraid to put a light on that child curiosity inside. Life might suck, but we can use a nice colourful straw, put some perfume on, and read about dinosaurs. Lots of love xx
